Distressed

Today is not a good day. Last night I was fine, I had some family issues come my way and I handled them clearly and calmly, like my good self.

Today however, I can feel my evil twin begining to emerge. I am quite distressed and perplexed about a lot of things.

It is even difficult for me to write right now, my fingers stumbling over the keys. If things are misspelled, I appologize.

I lashed out at my oldest daughter and thankfully, I was able to catch myself and appologize immdiately whereas in the past I wouldn't have said anything. That's a good thing at least.

I am trying to stay quiet and just submerge myself into disinfecting the house, but even as I do, thoughts which are making me angry are running through my mind. I can't seem to control my thoughts or my tone or how pissed off I am.

Why??? Why can't I? If I am aware of what I am doing why can't I control it? I just want to be alone.

Mood: distressed and anxious.

Being Patient

This happens to be one of my good weeks. My crying fits are over and I am normal right now, whatever that means.

Because of the diary I am attempting to keep, I realize that the week immediately following my period seems to be the "calm" time. I am afraid of what will happen when my evil twin begins to show her ugly head.

I was speaking to my friend today about this and she was shocked that I was dealing with these issues. She thought I must have been hiding them very well. I guess I was to the outside world, it was in the comfort of my own home that I am so hideous, and yet I see myself as agressive during certain time frames.

Perfect example, right around Christmas time I had purchased a $10.00 box of snowflake lights from Big Lot. I tried them when I got home and they didn't work, so I packed them back into the box, I always keep the boxes, and brought them back to the store.

I shop in Big Lot all the time. I have returned items there a few times already and never had a problem in the least bit. This time however, there was some new cashier and I very nicely explained I needed to return them but didn't have the receipt.

"I can't take that, no receipt no return...NEXT!" I mean just like that and during the holidays no less, when people are supposed to be nicer. So I tried to explain that I have returned items to the store without a receipt and without a problem. I even showed her it says BIG Lot right on the box and when I saw she wasn't going to help, I asked for the manager.

The manager came over and asked what the problem was. I calmly explained I was attempting to return the lights, but didn't have a receipt. She said that they had to enforce a new policy of no receipt, no returns not even store credit...and then just turned around and began to walk away.

Seriously, she just walked away. She disrespected me right in front of my kids. I was astounded at her attitude. I said, "excuse me, why are you walking away when we are in the middle of a conversation?"

She turned and said, "Because you took me away from what I was doing." and turned around again.

See, this is the part that I can feel it happening. It's kind of like when David Banner is about to turn into the Hulk and he feels the anger building and tries to supress it but can't. Yeah, that's me at this point.

Through a clenched jaw and probably red eyes I told her that I want the number to the corporate office now, there was absolutly no reason to treat me that way. She slammed a piece of paper on the counter and told the cashier to give me the number then walked away.

Now I am trying to cntain the building insanity and told the cashier, "I don't know why you think it's okay to treat me like that in front of other customers and my kids, but you don't know who you are dealing with."

Now it turns into, "I am just a cashier, I am just doing my job..."

but before she just doing her job with a snotty bitch attitude.

I stood outside of the store and called the corporate office. I did get to return the lights by the way a few days later.

I am not the she-hulk as of yet, but I am trying to recognize the signs, see what sets it off. Maybe it's just me?

Today was a good day, I went to the doctor's office with my girlfriend and ast there for two hours, I even dozed off in the waiting room. Crazy.


Mood: Calm

How It All Began

After years and years of not understanding why I can't think clearly and why I get so angry, on Thursday, February 19, 2009 I was diagnosed with PMDD.
Pre-Menstral Dysphoric Disorder.

I had seen a commercial for YAZ and when they began decribing the symptoms, It was one of those "Ah-ha" moments. Actually it was more of an "Oh My God" moment.

I had been telling the doctor since last year that as the months go by, I am becoming increasingly horomonally imbalanced. I tried to laugh it off, afraid the doctor would think I was some kind of pill popping, attention seeking crazy and just smiled when he told me I'll be fine.

On the 16th I got my period. It was one of the worst ones I think I have ever had, and most painfull. It was horrible. I gained so much water weight I had to remove my wedding band which I haven't taken off for 11 years. I was binge eating uncontrollably and everything pissed me off. That was all about a week before I got it.

All I have been doing since I saw the doctor is cry. I cried on the way to my appointment, trying to choke out gospel songs while driving. Cried to the nurse before the doctor saw me and then cried to the doctor.

"You have a lot of fibroids" he said, "We have options."

I told him I needed his help, that I neeed him to listen and pulled out papers I printed fromthe internet on PMDD with a list of the symptoms and possible treatments.

He shook his head glancing at the papers. His black framed glasses at the tip of his nose. "I cannot help you with this," He told me, "You have to see another doctor I cannot do anything for you."

In disbelief I began to cry again, "I don't understand how you can tell me that when this entire problem revolves around my menstral cycle."

"If you told me you were bleeding from your anus, I would send you to another doctor." What the fuck is he talking about bleeding from my ass?

He said he could at least try to help me control the heaviness of the periods and prescribed Loestrin24FE. Hormones? Birth Control?
Okay, just give me the script and let me get out of here.

While checking out the receptionist took one look at me and told me to sit down. The tears began all over again, in between my snorting and slobbering and wiping my tears with the tissue I just blew my nose in, I explained I just didn't understand how he couldn't help and she immediately picked up the phone and began making calls for me.

"We'll find you a doctor in your plan who will help."

Thank You Jesus, finally someone who will listen. I am not crazy, right?

Later on that night, I went online to try and educate myself more about this diagnosis. When my son was diagnosed as ADHD, I immediately got the books, took the classes and seminars and worked closely with the teachers and aids. I felt that the better educated I am, the better prepared I can be to tackle this head on, in a sane and concious way. I want to be aware of what I am doing and saying because sometimes I am not.

Let's see.....HMMMmmmmmmmmmmm...
1. Vitamins, good I have been doing that and I just started taking Ginko.
2. Exercize, I have been parking the car far away from Walmart when I shop so I have to walk through the lot, plus some other stuff.
3. Medication, wait what? What does this say here...assocaited with Bi-Polar disorder and Schizophrenia...no, no that's not ME.

I began the Loestrin last night. My Hubby is being so supportive now that we know there is a name to my madness and I am not just some manic, sick bitch. He kept telling me, it's time to take your pill! He was supportive before, trying to help me see through my tyrades that I wasn't acting like myself and I would just become more angry. Thank God he held on this long.

So since the 19th, I have been better. My period ended today, finally. From the 16th to the 23rd, UGH!

Today overall was a good day.