...Understand How I'm Feeling...

When my brother posted this on my Facebook timeline, I don't think he had any idea how he was hitting home. 

I personally love Dave Matthews band... I also LOVE Cookie Monster....and pretty much all things Sesame Street...

But the words in this song trump all of that for someone with PMDD...

I hope this makes some of you feel better and others understand how we might feel sometimes....

It's not always F@*%ing PMDD!

Seriously...
Sometime I can just be stressed, pissed, hurt or upset.  Seriously.

I have a high pressure job and am trying to maintain a long distance relationship....I'm tired....and I'm frickin' stressed.

Its bad enough that when PMDD takes over, I have feelings of self doubt, worthlessness and emptiness.  But, to have your boyfriend be over an hour away and only see him on the weekends can also take it's toll on ANY woman, PMDD or not.  Forchrissake!

It's impossible to do everything you want to do and be everything you want to be with someone when you only have about a day a week to spend with them.

And as if that's not enough, my job pulls me in a million directions a day, I'm always going, always "on" and can barely eat lunch let alone make time to go to the bathroom during the day.  Jebus...can't a girl just have a bad day?!?

It's just the icing on the cake that I can't seem to catch a breath in my own home...never-mind the fact that the person who should be the most nurturing to me says stuff to me like "there's really something wrong with you".  Did she really just say that to me!?!?

Ugh.

I try not to be a selfish person.  PMDD makes me feel at time as though I AM being selfish since I need to isolate and shut down at times.  When, truthfully, I'm isolating and shutting down to PROTECT those I care about the MOST.

When is it OK to shut down just because I'm human??  When is it OK for me to say I just need a minute - for the sake of needing a minute?  Being "on" all day could be super stressful for someone who doesn't deal with the hormonal insanity and all the bullsh*t PMDD puts on us.  Why do I always have to blame it on "being sick"?!?

Errrrr....end rant....ugh/

I WILL Survive

It started when I was 11....yep...all this drama started when I was an 11 year old little girl - and, I had no idea what I was in for.
Other than being awkwardly over developed for an 11-12 year old who was one of the first in her class to deal with the "ick" of her period....The first 2 years weren't so bad.

The trouble really started at 13....CRAMPS.

Cramps so bad I would stay home from school.
Cramps so bad I would cry and scream.
Cramps that made me dizzy and weak.
Cramps so bad I would sleep the pain away for at least 3 days a month.

It was determined I had the beginnings of endometriosis...maybe.  We never really got to the bottom of why I had such terrible cramps but, as I got older they either chilled out or, I learned to cope with the pain better...I'm not sure...but, they became less of a big deal every month so, we stopped investigating.

Up until this point, the "drama" I was facing from my cycle all seems pretty normal....right?
So what am I setting up this blog for?  What's the big deal? A little PMS?  nope...something MUCH bigger.

PMDD

PMDD stands for PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.
PMDD is soooo different from PMS.  It's like a different animal of a different species.
PMDD messes with your self confidence, your levels of security and insecurity, your ability or desire to perform daily basic functions....your will to live.

While I'm aware that this blog might make some uncomfortable and a woman's cycle is usually a VERY private matter, the fact remains that when a woman has PMDD, it has to be just the opposite.

It took some time for me to get used to taking about my cycle like it was common daily chatter.  But, I've gotten to a point where, I believe it's necessary for EVERYONE to start talking about PMDD.  There's very little awareness for this disorder and it is changing women's lives all over the world.

I believe some very important ladies in my life have suffered from PMDD.
...especially since there is word this is genetic...

I've watched what the lack of diagnosis and treatment could do to the mind of someone who was once completely sane.  These ladies went undiagnosed, untreated and uninformed. No one should ever have to feel that alone or misunderstood.

I refuse to allow that to continue to happen to any of my PMDD sisters.

I'm looking for awareness...to remove some (if not all) of the taboo and stigma that comes with having a hormonal response to your body's changes.
As PMDD survivors, this IS normal for us....we're different from everyone else.

I've suffered from PMDD for most of my life...and ALL of my adult life.  However, I didn't put the pieces together until I was 30 years old.  ...yep...30.

So for 17 years of my life, this was a HUGE mystery.
It still confuses me on a daily basis but, for the last four years, I've found comfort in knowing it has a name.
I'm understanding MY PMDD more and more each day.  I've found support groups online to be very helpful.  It's comforting to know I AM NOT ALONE.

I usually describe it as "PMS on steroids" but, that doesn't even begin to describe the internal feelings PMDD breeds.  With this blog, I intend to share my personal stories, progress, treatment and it's almost a guarantee that I'll b*tch out here and there....

I can only hope this blog will help shine a little bit of light on to what PMDD does to someone.
My intention is to bring forth understanding and compassion.

As a SURVIVOR of PMDD, I have faced many struggles.  I've pushed through some and walked away from others.

With the caring and understanding of those who love and support me, I WILL survive.

Until next time...
xo